The Mental Load: What It Is and How to Share It (UK)

What is the mental load?

The mental load, sometimes called invisible labour, is the thinking behind household tasks rather than the tasks themselves. Anyone can put the bins out. The mental load is knowing it’s bin day, noticing the recycling is overflowing, and remembering to buy bin bags. It’s constant, unseen and rarely thanked, which is what makes it so draining.

Mental load examples

Why it falls on women

In the UK, women still do more unpaid household work than men. ONS time use figures for 2023 show women spent about 2 hours 37 minutes a day on unpaid household work, compared with about 2 hours 2 minutes for men. A study of mothers found that feeling solely responsible for running the household was linked to lower satisfaction with life and their partner, and feeling overloaded. Every household is different, but it’s worth looking at who carries the thinking, not only the doing.

Signs the mental load is too heavy

• Your mind races with to-do lists in bed. See how to stop overthinking.
• You feel like the household “manager” who has to delegate everything.
• You’re irritable, resentful or snapping at people.
• You’re exhausted but can’t switch off. See why am I always tired?
• You forget things more than usual. See brain fog.
• You have no time that’s truly yours.

Left unchecked, this can tip into chronic stress and burnout. See stress symptoms, burnout symptoms and stress and cortisol in women.

How to share the mental load

1. Make it visible. Each write down everything you keep track of for a week. The list is usually a surprise.
2. Hand over whole jobs, not single tasks. Owning “school kit” means noticing, planning and doing, not waiting to be asked.
3. Use a shared calendar and list so it isn’t all in one head.
4. Agree standards, then let go if it’s done differently.
5. Have a weekly 15-minute check-in to plan the week together.
6. Simplify: fewer commitments, repeat meals, online shops, automatic payments.
7. Involve children with age-appropriate jobs.

How to talk about it

Pick a calm time, not mid-argument. Talk about how it feels rather than keeping score: “I’m finding it hard always being the one who remembers everything. Can we look at it together?” Bring your list and agree one or two jobs to hand over this week. Sharing a bed but sleeping badly because of it? See sleep divorce.

Looking after yourself

• Protect some time that’s just yours each week. See self-care ideas.
• Brain-dump before bed so your mind can rest. See journal prompts.
• Move every day, even a short walk. See how to relieve stress.
• Notice your body when it gets too much. See box breathing.

Many people build small rituals into busy days. Our Flow CBD Oil combines broad spectrum CBD with ashwagandha and maca for daytime routines, and our Magnesium Glycinate Sleep Complex is an evening drink. Magnesium contributes to a reduction of tiredness and fatigue and to normal psychological function. The FSA’s 10mg a day figure for CBD is precautionary advice rather than a legal limit, set while longer-term safety research continues. At Evopure we think it is a very cautious figure, and many adults use more. If you go above it, increase slowly, and check with your GP or pharmacist first if you take any medication.

iIf stress is affecting your health, sleep or relationships, speak to your GP. Adults in England can refer themselves to NHS Talking Therapies.

Related guides

• Imposter syndrome.
• Why am I so irritable?
• Juggling work and home under one roof? See working from home and mental health.
• Parents often feel “touched out”. See feeling overstimulated.
• If it’s all become too much, see signs of a nervous breakdown.
• Struggling to say no? See people pleasing.
• Decision fatigue, the drained feeling that comes from making every small choice for a household.
• Work-life balance for parents and carers, with the leave you’re entitled to in the UK.
• At Christmas the mental load often doubles; our guide to Christmas stress has a week-by-week planner for sharing it out.
• The mental load often gets heavier during perimenopause; see perimenopause for partners for how to share it.
• Stress Awareness Day on the first Wednesday in November is a good prompt to talk about how household planning is shared.
• If she carries most of the mental load, the kindest present may be time off it: see our wellness gifts for her, from a wind-down kit to an experience she books for herself.
• Taking a job off her list can be the best present of all; see our gift ideas for a busy mum.
• When the mental load at home meets a heavy job, watch for the signs of work-related stress.